Distractions: A Lion King Meta-Fiction
by Asante
Summary: A hilarious blurring of reality and fan fiction in which the characters of my stories start expressing their opinions of my work.
1. Chapter 1

**Distractions**

**Part 1**

By Asante

**Author's Note:** Hi everyone, I'm sorry my fan fiction isn't progressing all that quickly, I've been having a bit of writer's block. I decided to take a break from my usual fan fiction and wrote something funny to try and get me over the writer's block. Try not to take this short story seriously, it's a little semi-meta-fiction / semi-self-insertion comedy – or is it reverse-insertion? I mean, I'm bringing the characters of my fan fiction into my real life instead of inserting myself into my fan fiction. Do they have a name for that? Anyway, self-insertion is what Fursonas are for. You'll also learn a few tidbits about my fan art decisions.

* * *

A fan fiction writer sat at his computer, staring blankly into the screen. "I have no idea how to end this story," he mumbled, banging his head against the keyboard in frustration.

Kopa walked up next to the writer and took a seat. "Hey, Asante, are you busy?"

Without lifting his head, Asante groaned. "No, I'm not busy."

"Good, because I got a few questions about your fan art."

Asante lifted his head and stared at Kopa "What is it?"

"Well, first of all, why didn't you even try to make me look unique? You gave me a muscular skeletal structure that's identical to my dad's."

Asante gave Kopa a morose stare. "Firstly, good word use. Secondly, so what?"

"Come on, man, no one looks this much like their dad, it's unnatural! I'm just another friggin' Simba-clone. And you did the same thing with your Fursona, giving him Nala's shape. Kiara's got her own unique shape, so how come me and Fursona-Asante look like clones of our parents?"

Asante waved a hand dismissively. "You were already a Simba-clone in that Disney children's book series, _The Lion King: Six New Adventures_. And as for my Fursona, you and Kiara are so similar to Simba that it felt like Nala wasn't getting any biological input, so I designed my Fursona to look like Nala to even out the parental characteristics some."

"But you changed my eye color. In _The Lion King: Six New Adventures_ illustrations, me and Dad had the same eye color, but you changed my eyes to aqua-green, the color of Mom's eyes in the first movie."

"Well, yeah, that was to make you look less like Simba."

Kopa waved his paws in exasperation. "But that's my point! If you were willing to the change my eye color from _the Six New Adventures_ illustrations, why not change my whole look – maybe give me a more prominent chin and bigger muscles?"

Asante sighed. "Well, originally I was just going to accept your _Six New Adventure_s design as a whole and give you reddish-brown eyes like Simba's, although much darker. I had the designs all finished in Photoshop and it then occurred to me that you just looked way too much like Simba."

"My point exactly!"

"But I didn't want to go back and redraw all my illustrations of you so I just changed your eye color in all the Photoshop files."

Kopa glowered at Asante. "You couldn't redraw me? You are such a lazy fan artist."

"Hey, it takes me two hours to draw one picture of you guys – and then another six hours to trace my line drawings in Photoshop, so get off my back!" Asante took a deep breath. "And why are you complaining anyway? You should feel lucky to look so much like your dad. Simba's the best looking lion in the whole franchise."

Simba poked his head into the room with a grin. "Say what now?"

Kopa slapped his forehead. "Dude, what did you just do?"

Asante glanced at Simba and then back at Kopa. "What?"

"Do you have any idea how big his ego is off-screen?" Kopa scoffed. "Hearing you say he's the best looking lion – ugh, there's going to be no living with him now."

Simba sauntered over to Asante's other side. "So, what is it you find particularly good looking about me?" he asked, leaning against the table in a theatric pose.

Kopa shook his head at Asante, warning him not to answer.

Asante didn't notice. "Well, I'd have to say it's your mane. It looks so smooth, soft, and thick – I just want to nuzzle it," he reached out and petted Simba affectionately.

"Oh, go on," Simba purred, flicking some of his mane back stylishly. "I use a special conditioner, you know."

"You didn't give _me_ a smooth silky mane," Kopa muttered. "You were 'too busy' to draw me a unique shape but apparently had enough spare time in your oh-so-busy schedule to give me _Goku hair_. Do I look like a damn DBZ character to you?"

"I thought a messier mane would make you look more roguish," Asante explained.

"I have perpetual bed-hair!"

"Kopa, stop mouthing off to our author," Simba said with a distracted smile, but then he grimaced, his face contorting into a stony, disgruntled expression, "otherwise I'll _put my foot up your ass_!"

Asante and Kopa balked at Simba.

Simba's face returned to normal and he stared at them blankly. "Did I say that? Where the hell did that come from?"

Asante sighed. "Crap, I thought this might happen. On my fan art page, I asked other artists who they thought would be the best actor to do Kopa's voice if my fan fiction was a movie. Topher Grace won."

Kopa nodded. "Oh, so that's why I sound so much like Eric Forman from _That Seventies' Show_."

Asante nodded. "It's also why you occasionally channel Eric Forman's personality and smart-aleck sarcasm." He looked at Simba. "And as your dad, Simba appears to be channeling Red Forman now."

Simba grimaced again. "_Dumbass!_ Oh God, make it stop!"

Kopa gestured to the door, "Run for it, Dad! Save yourself!"

Simba bolted for the door, slamming it behind him.

Asante turned to Kopa. "You think putting some distance between you and your dad will stop you two from channeling the Formans?"

Kopa shook his head, grinning. "Nah, I just wanted Dad to buzz off."

Asante turned in his swivel chair so he faced Kopa. "Listen, Kopa, I'm sorry you have issues with your appearance but the fact is you look great. I _love_ my design for you. Don't forget, you had those three lionesses fawning all over you in Chapter 4 of my second fan fiction novel."

Kopa sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right, I'm the author – which basically means I'm your god." Asante grinned proudly.

Kopa stared at Asante blankly. "Uh – no, dude, just – just no." He patted Asante on the head in a pitying gesture before he turned and made his way to the door.

Asante sighed in relief when Kopa was gone. "Finally, now I can get back to wor…"

"Asante," Nala snapped as she entered the room, "I have a bone to pick with you!"

Asante rolled his eyes. "F-k Biscuits."

Nala slammed a picture on the table in front of Asante. It was one of his fan art pictures. Nala pointed with an extended claw at herself in the image. "Those colors? Really?!"

Asante stared at Nala uncomprehendingly. "What's wrong with those colors. I color-grabbed them in Photoshop from a screen still. They should be accurate…"

"From the second movie!" Nala shouted. "Why the second movie? I look like I was dunked in a tub of bleach! You know I ate half the animators because of this."

Asante stared blankly. "No way, you ate the animators?" He thought a moment. "Would that be murder or animal attack?"

Nala shrugged. "The judge passed a ruling not to disclose details of the case to the general public. Anyways – those colors are awful! I want you to draw me using my colors from the first movie. You used the first movie coloring for everyone else – BUT NOT ME?!"

"Well, I didn't use the first movie coloring for Kiara, Kovu, or Vitani either…"

"They weren't in the first movie!"

"Well, according to Disney, Kiara actually was. You see, the filmmakers say that the cub presented at Pride Rock at the end of the first movie is Kiara, not Kopa. They were unaware of Kopa's existence in _Six New Adventures_…"

"Don't get technical with me!" Nala said.

"Look, Nala, I'm sorry if you don't like it but I prefer your coloring in _Lion King II_, so I'm not going to change your design."

"I can't work like this!" Nala roared, storming out of the room.

Asante sighed. "F-ing prima donnas," he grunted. "I bet non of the other fan fiction authors and fan artists have to deal with this crap. Now, back to wor…"

"Hey, Asante," Timon called.

"Rat-f-k sons of a bitches!" Asante snapped.

Timon came to an abrupt halt. "Uh, wow. That's one I've never heard before."

Asante took a deep breath. "What is it, Timon?"

"Well, the thing is, I was wondering – is Asante your real name?"

Asante blinked and turned around in his swivel chair slowly. He stopped when he was facing Timon. "That's what you want to know?"

Timon nodded.

Asante shrugged, his expression completely baffled. "No, actually, it's just a pseudonym I use when writing my fan fiction."

Timon nodded. "I thought so. After all, Asante is a Swahili name and you're – well you're not – um – you know…"

Asante narrowed his eyes at Timon. "Not what?"

"Not – of an African persuasion," Timon finished.

Asante stared at Timon a long time. "You're saying I couldn't really have a Swahili name – because I'm white? Wow, way to play the race card, Timon." With that, Asante turned about and returned to his writing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Distractions**

**Part 2**

By Asante

**Writer's Note:** Sense I'm making references to _The Lion King 1½ _in this skit, I thought I should point out that _The Lion King 1½_ was released in some countries as _The Lion King 3: Hakuna Matata_ so that any of our overseas friends who knew the movie by the alternative title wouldn't be confused.

* * *

It was a nice, relaxing day and a particular fan fiction writer that we all know and love was sitting on the couch watching his favorite TV show.

"Excuse me, Mr., Asante," a tiny female voice said from the floor crossly.

Asante blinked in surprise and leaned forward to look over the edge of the couch, where Timon's mother and Uncle Max were standing. The meerkats did not look pleased.

"Interesting thing," Ma said with her arms folded, "we just finished looking over your outline for your next _Lion King_ book and, well," Ma gave Asante a sarcastic smile, "we can't help noticing that we're not in it. Those unpleasant hyenas get a cameo but not me – no, not the meerkat who raised one of the most important characters…"

"Calling Timon one of the most important characters is debatable," Asante mumbled.

Ma continued as if Asante hadn't spoken. "…In the bloody franchise. Any particular reason you've decided to disregard our existence? You think we're not good enough for your precious fan fiction?"

Asante sighed. It was going to be one of those days. "Ma, the answer – is yes, I think you guys are just not needed for the fan fiction."

"BUT WE'RE CANON!" Ma shouted, face turning red. "You put in all those semi-canon characters and even the dropped characters like Mheetu and Bhati – you even included character's whose existence as dropped characters is questionable. What source did that Timira come from, I'd like to know!"

Uncle Max had made several moves to also voice his outrage but we cut off by Ma each time.

"You do realize that throwing this hissy fit is just solidifying my resolve to not have you appear in any of my fan fiction, don't you?" Asante said in a bored tone.

"We deserve an explanation!" Ma insisted irately, once again cutting of Max before he could say anything.

Asante took a deep breath. "Fine, the explanation – is that I just don't like _The Lion King 1½. _It's just so – unnecessary and it actually ruined my enjoyment of the first film in a lot of ways. Fine, I get that Timon and Pumbaa are for many people the most popular characters in the franchise but the overzealous amount of slapstick humor, comedic one-liners, and overuse of situation comedy – it was too much! Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of that in my fan fiction but at least I balance it out with an equal amount of drama. _The Lion King_ was a story about tragedy, redemption, adventure, love, and family. _The Lion King 1½_ was just – SILLY! And don't get me started on how the timeline was screwed up all for the sake of humor."

A few seconds passed after Asante finished. Ma stared at him blankly, finally at a loss for words. Max finally got a chance to speak. "And that's our fault?!" he scoffed.

Asante blinked. "Well, no, it's not your fault…"

"So why should we be disregarded just because you didn't like the one movie we were in. Like a meerkat's life isn't difficult enough, being food for other animals and what not, now we have to be discriminated against because some big shot doesn't like our acting portfolios."

"Firstly, are you technically actors?" Asante asked. "I mean, you guys are the actual characters so you're not really acting, you're just being yourselves set within a particular narrative. Secondly, are talking about me when you say big sho…"

"Don't change the subject!" Max scolded. "We have as much right to be included as everyone else."

"FINE!" Asante snapped. "I'll give you guys a cameo in my next book – two, maybe three paragraphs, but that's it! Satisfied?!"

Ma and Max turned around and discussed the matter in hushed voices. Finally, they turned back and looked up at Asante. "That will be all, thank you for your time," Ma chirped. They walked off. Not long after, their hoops and hollers of triumph could be heard from the other side of the house.

Kovu strolled in not long after. "Hey, I just saw Ma and Max dancing in the kitchen. Did I miss something?"

"They're celebrating my defeat," Asante grumbled.

Kovu raised an eyebrow. "Uh huh. Hey Asante, could I say something about the second fan fiction book. I know it's already done and published on the web but I was wondering if it would be possible to change one tiny little detail."

Asante looked at Kovu suspiciously. "What?"

Kovu hesitated. "Maybe – not have my wife's brother mate with my sister?"

Asante stared at Kovu darkly. "Kopa and Vitani's love affair is basically half the plot of my second book. Tell me exactly how that is 'one tiny little detail,' if you would."

Kovu sighed. "Man, come on, you have to admit it's weird. One set of siblings marrying another set of siblings – it's bordering on incest."

"You know what else borders on incest? Marrying your step-dad's great-niece!"

Kovu frowned. "Touché."

"So, that's it, just the Kopa/Vitani thing? Nothing at all about how twisted I made your bio-dad?"

Kovu shrugged. "Nah, I'm used to having psychopathic parental figures."

"I knew it!" Vitani shouted as she stormed in, glaring wrathfully at Kovu. "What have I told you about butting into my love life!"

"What?" Kovu tried to feign. "We weren't – I wasn't…"

"Yes, he was," Asante said nonchalantly.

"You treacherous bastard," Kovu hissed at Asante.

Vitani grabbed Kovu by the ear and started dragging him from the room. "Mr. Asante," Vitani said from the doorway, "I apologize, ignore everything he just said."

"Was planning on it," Asante replied casually, returning his attention to the television.

"Let me instruct you on how to live a long and healthy life, little brother," Vitani seethed at Kovu as she dragged him out. "Do not interfere with the happiness of the lioness who held the position of Zira's right-hand-woman without ever being challenged!"

Not long after, Zazu flew into the room and shot at Asante, catching the human around the neck in a tight hug. "You wonderful, blessed, merciful god!" he sobbed.

"Binti, right?" Asante mumbled, still staring at the television.

"I've never been happier, sir," Zazu declared, hopping away and standing on the cushion next to Asante. "She's my love, my life, my all…"

"Stop quoting love songs before Kirk Franklin sues us."

"I don't know how I can repay you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"No problem, though you should know, sense your subplot is the reason my second book was so freakishly long, you're barely going to be mentioned at all in the third novel."

Zazu stared at Asante a moment, his grin quickly falling. Shoulders slumped, he turned about and flapped his wings to leave. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," he sighed.

Asante was blessed with a few minutes alone after Zazu left and then Kopa came in. "Dude, I just finished looking through all the fan fiction about me online. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!"

Asante stared at him blankly. "You're gonna have to be more specific."

"Three quarters of the fan fiction out there is about me being killed by Zira – WHEN I'M A CUB!" he wailed. "Why?!"

Asante shrugged. "It's one of the more popular theories to explain why you're absent from the second movie."

"That I'm dead?! How can these people prefer to have me killed off?" He grabbed one of _The Lion King: Six New Adventures_ books off the shelf and opened it to a page with an illustration of himself as a cub. "I mean, look at me!" He shoved the book in Asante's face. "I'M F-ING ADORABLE!"

"Well, Mufasa was a character lots of people loved and he got killed off in the first movie."

"Mufasa wasn't a kid! Disney doesn't have children die in their movies!"

"But these aren't movies, they're fan fiction. And they're not affiliated with Disney so we don't have to make them child friendly if we don't want to."

"It's a friggin' travesty!" Kopa railed, turning about and storming from the room in a huff. "Killing me off, that's so twisted!"

Asante sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Finally, some peace and quiet."

Rafiki rushed through the living room and paused behind the couch just long enough to whack Asante over the head with his stick.

"OW!" Asante snapped, rubbing his head. "Why do you keep assaulting people with that thing!" he hollered after the cackling monkey.


	3. Chapter 3

**Distractions**

**Part 3**

By Asante

**Writer's Note:** Dedicated to Incarnate Firefly. I still love your work.

* * *

Kopa looked at Incarnate Firefly's mockup. "So, that's what I'm supposed to look like in your movie?"

Incarnate nodded. "Red mane, red eyes, and more like Mufasa, less like Simba."

Kopa frowned. "Well, the mane and eye color isn't so difficult to change. I died my mane brown and wore green contacts for Asante's movie. I can just die my mane red and wear reddish-brown contacts for yours but I don't know how much we can do to make me look less like Simba and more like Mufasa."

"Already taken care of," Incarnate Firefly explained, pulling out Kopa's itinerary. "Your plastic surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning."

"Wow wow wow," Kopa protested. "Plastic surgery?!"

"That's right, and perfect timing too because we begin filming for _Kopa's Legacy: Part 1_ the day after."

"The day after?! You expect me to start work right after making me get plastic surgery?!"

"Yep, let's get this show on the road," Incarnate declared excitedly, standing up and walking off to oversee his set design.

"But - but - but..." Kopa watched Incarnate hurry off. "Asante!"

"What?" Asante groaned, working on a new script.

"Incarnate's making me get plastic surgery!"

"I know," Asante replied, not bothering to look up from his computer.

"But, I don't want plastic surgery! And what about your next fan fiction? I can't come on set for your third movie looking different from your first and second movies."

"Duh, that's why we have you scheduled for another round of plastic surgery right before filming of _Man Comes to the Pride Lands_ starts. Also, we're starting you up on a steroid regiment to get you looking bigger and older for my next story because you're supposed to be one year older - which is, what, like 7 dog years?"

"I'm not a dog, you asshat!" Kopa roared. "This is unacceptable. I have rights!"

"No, actually, you don't," Asante corrected. "Cartoon characters don't get to form unions. Now off you go, Incarnate needs you down on set for rehearsal."

"I HATE YOU ALL!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Distractions**

**Part 4**

By Asante

**Writer's Note:** I promise I will finish _The Lion King V: Man Comes to the Pride Lands._

* * *

Asante was sitting on the couch typing on his laptop when he noticed a shadow fall over him. He blinked in confusion and glanced over his shoulder, his eyes bugging out in shock at what he saw.

Asante, the fursona, was leaning on the back of the couch looking down at him with a perturbed expression. "We need to talk," he said scoldingly.

The fan fiction writer stared up at his self-insertion character for a moment and then turned around. "Yeah - um, no way. This hallucination is on such a freakish level that it's not even funny anymore." He picked up his smartphone and began searching for local therapists.

"You can get psychotherapy later," the Disneyfied lion said, hopping over the couch and landing on the cushion next to the writer. He knocked the phone aside with his paw. "We got some issues to work out."

"Look," the writer groaned, "I'm trying to finish my fan fiction. Really, I am but with work and everything, it's just hard to get the time to sit down and write."

"What?" the fursona said. "No, not that. I'm talking about what you're doing with me in your fan fiction."

The writer stared blankly at his _Lion King_ alter-ego. "You have problems with - yourself?"

"I have problems with how you formulated me," the fursona specified. "Like, I'm supposed to be you as a _Lion King_ character, right?"

The writer thought about it. "Um, yeah, sort of."

"But we're nothing alike!"

The writer stared at the lion incredulously. "Of course we're nothing alike! You're a f-cking lion! I'm not!"

The fursona glared at his creator. "What I mean to say is that we don't have the same personality traits or..."

"Oh come on, no fan fiction writer ever makes their self-insertion character exactly like themselves."

"You know what, you're right," the fursona agreed. "They don't. What they do is make their self-insertion character better than they are in real life. You know, strong, smart, and hooks them up with a hot canon character."

"You realize you're going into Mary Sue territory, right?"

"I'd rather be a Mary Sue than deal with the psychologically scarring crap you've put me through. I'm a nervous wreck in your current story and everyone feels sorry for me. It's a drag!"

"Um, actually, I think they refer to a male Mary Sue character as a Marty Stu now."

"Really? That's so interesting," the fursona replied sarcastically.

"At least your characterization isn't boring, like it would be if everything good happened for you without any turmoil or problems to overcome."

"Okay, fine, maybe going the route of a Marty Stu would have been boring, but did you have to screw me up so much? This has to be the first time a writer ever made his self-insertion character a bigger train wreck than he is in real life. Do you suffer from PTSD like I do?"

"Um, no, I don't think so but that's only because I didn't witness a murder in real life like you did. I'm just postulating how I probably would react to that sort of experience using you as a proxy."

The fursona glared at the writer. "When the hell are things going to start improving for me?" he shouted. "I'm tired of bringing everyone down with my angst!"

"Thing's will get better for you," the writer promised, "and also worse a couple of times..."

"I hate you," the fursona growled.

"I know," the writer sighed.

"One other thing."

"There's always one other thing," the writer muttered. "What is it?"

"Elijah Wood?"

The writer blinked. "Huh?"

"You want to suggest Elijah Wood as my proposed voice actor?"

"Uh, yeah. What's wrong with Elijah Wood?"

"You sound nothing like Elijah Wood!"

The writer groaned. "So you actually want to sound like me, even though the sound of my own voice makes me want to drive nails into my ears?"

"As your fursona, it makes sense that I would have the same voice as you. Besides, you don't sound that bad. What are you doing?"

"Recording you," the writer said, holding a tape recorder out towards the fursona. He hit the rewind button and then hit Play.

A voice identical to the writer's came out of the recorder, saying _"...Sound that bad. What are you doing?"_

The fursona stared at the writer with a disgusted look on his face, clearly not pleased with what he heard. "Uh, yeah, let's go with Elijah Wood's voice."


	5. Chapter 5

**Distractions**

**Part 5**

By Asante

Asante was typing at the computer, dark circles under his eyes. A large paw swatted him on the back of the head. "Ouch!" he yelped, turning around in his chair.

"The hell is taking you so long?" Fukuza shouted. "You haven't updated _Man Comes to the Pride Lands _in almost two months! In case you've forgotten, I'M STILL SICK AND DYING!"

Asante sighed. "I know, I know, I just got a lot of stuff on my plate right now. I'll get around to it."

"When?"

Asante thought about it for a minute. "I got a vacation coming up in August, I'll try and punch out five chapters then."

"August? That's a month away! You expect me to stay sick until then?" Fukuza coughed loudly, spraying Asante's face with flecks of spittle.

"Take a lot of Benadryl until then," Asante sighed.

* * *

**Note:** I promise I won't leave you guys high and dry. _Man Comes to the Pride Lands_ will get finished - eventually.


End file.
